I want to tell you a little about myself. Even though I am thirty-two, I look a decade younger. Anytime I meet someone new, the first question they ask is "What are you taking in college", or "Do you go to school?" I have this youthful, boyish face. Just last week someone thought I was 23. It has gotten to the point whenever someone asks about my age, I usually respond with the answer "Guess".

My arms and legs are muscular; I have a nice short haircut, dimples on both cheeks and somewhat of a flat stomach. I have a certain down-home, apple-pie stoic sweetness about me. I basically resemble the boy next door. I guess if you want to draw a comparison, I would say that I sort of resemble Rick Schroeder. I have that boyish, young look about myself, with a slender, muscular build. Now I know what you guys must be thinking, "Yeah, right, he looks like Rick Schroeder". But you know what, I would not lie. I can only give you my word. And if I were lying, I would choose Brad Pitt!

Now, here is a statistic for you. When I go to the baths I usually go home empty handed, without even one guy having hit or making a pass at me. Ninety five percent of the time, I do not even have an encounter with anyone. Now you are thinking, with the looks I just described, why would I have a problem? Well, I will tell you, I am Asian - Chinese to be exact.

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When I first started going to the baths, I could not understand why no one was interested in me. I would hang out for hours and hours and no one would give me a second look. What was more disheartening was the fact that I saw some weird combinations at the baths. Some drop dead gorgeous white men would not even give me a second look, yet be with someone who (in my mind) was below average in the looks department. I know this sounds superficial, but hey I am gay! I am just as superficial and guilty in this thinking as the next gay man is. We are all chasing after the same thing. When I am at the baths, it seems to me that the only people who are interested in me are men over sixty-five, or men who weigh 350 pounds.

In the ten years that I have gone to the baths, I can count on one hand the number of guys in my age bracket that has hit on me. I will concede that there are some gay males that do have an interest in Asians. But those types of guys are EXTREMELY rare, and more likely, it is to fulfill a fetish. So after years of going to the baths, I have come to the conclusion that 99.9% of gay white men (GWM - the majority in the gay world) do not get turned on by gay Asian men (GAM). And the white men I am talking about are not all the GQ Adonis types either. Ordinary, middle-aged, average, even slightly overweight white guys generally show zero interest in Asians as well. When I came out, it never occurred to me that I would become invisible and undesirable and truly worthless in the eyes of so many gay men.

NOW READ THIS PARAGRAPH CAREFULLY.

It is not as if I have not tried to hook up with a guy my race or even a different race (the minority in the gay world). All I want is a guy in my age bracket (Give or take ten years, younger or older). Believe me, I have really tried hard to look for any guy, regardless of race. But unfortunately all of the different races tend to chase and have an obsession for the same thing a white guy! Which totally leaves me by the sidelines with no one in my age bracket interested in me! Now some of you reading this might disagree with what I am writing. You may be sitting there thinking that I might have a demeanor or an aura that turns people away. Well, quite the opposite happens.

Very strangely, I attract men for conversation with my face. I have been told by a number of people that I have a face that is warm and inviting, that people feel safe approaching me to talk. Not to have sex, but to talk. One person in particular, said that many Asians have a flat face. But not mine and he was attracted to me based on my face because it exudes warmth and friendliness. Other people have said the same thing. I guess that is why I have made many acquaintances at the baths, and have had some great conversations with people from all over the world. Total strangers just feel safe approaching me. That face has gotten me in some interesting situations at the baths. But that is for a future story. So it is really hard to find anyone, because the majority of gay men out there do not view Asians as boyfriend material. And I am not the only gay Asian that feels this way.

White guys KNOW and are fully aware that that Asians and other races finds them irresistible. More than likely this is why they treat us Asians as a "back-up" at the baths. They can hunt for other prey and if that hunt fails to obtain anyone, they come looking for us - the Asian guy waiting in the wings, ready to give head. Unfortunately, that is the stereotype that gay Asians have. We are submissive, subservient, willing to do whatever it takes to please a gay white male. That is because of the huge amount of insecurity GAM carry with them. To fill up that empty vacuum of insecurity, gay Asian men are constantly seeking to please so they can receive approval and acceptance from others. By receiving that acceptance and approval, many gay Asians feel good and secure about themselves, however fleeting that moment may be. Since GWM constitutes 95% of the gay population, GAM constantly seeks out GWM. The thinking that if GAM align themselves with GWM, then that empty vacuum of insecurity can be filled and the road to feeling secure is just around the corner.

On some level, the media, grocery store checkout magazines and the billboards along all of the highways in the world have sent a subliminal message; white guys are beautiful. We all to some extent have fallen into this trap of "ideal beauty". If you are a white guy in that age bracket, why should you not try to chase after guys in your own race? The bottom line is that most gay men are white, so they hook up with whom they associate with, a white guy. That is because gay white men have been conditioned from media images since infancy that white is beautiful. It has become a subliminal preference for all gay white men to be attracted to their own race. So in short, gay white guys were born attracted exclusively to WHITE MEN ONLY. Here is an analogy. All gay men accept being gay and attracted to guys. So we also have to accept the fact that gay white men are only attracted to their own race. Just as we accept that we do not choose who we are attracted to, gay white men cannot choose who they are attracted to a guy their own race. There is NOTHING wrong with that as no one chooses whom they are attracted to. So in short, we cannot place blame on the gay white male population, and cry Racism - they were born that way. I mean it is pretty apropos a "white party" has a name like that. If you look at any photos taken at a "white party", all you see are GWM! Gay men of any color are completely ignored and excluded at a party like that.

The reason why I am writing this is that it has taken me a long time to come to grips with the subtle racism that takes place not only in the baths, but also in the entire gay community worldwide. I hope other young gay Asians will read this and know that nothing is wrong with them. As a gay Asian newbie, you have just gone through this soul searching inside of you, coming to grips with your sexuality. You have never felt so alone, and then you come out. After being alone for so long, you are so excited by meeting new people and having new experiences. Then you face this enormous rejection by the gay community, and feel even more like an outsider and you do not know why. You were born in North America, and you feel North American. After reading this, now you know there is NOTHING wrong with you. This subtle racism happens everywhere in the gay community, and that is just the way it is.

So instead of hooking up with someone my age at the baths, I have to fight off so many men over the age of sixty-five. And are they aggressive. Now I just want to say I have the utmost respect for older men in the gay community. In fact I volunteer at a gay elder organization. I am a strong believer that we must honor those who have come before us, and give a hand up to those who come after us. I have so much admiration for the older men that I work with. But I am not interested in sleeping with them, much less dating them. I am sorry if this offends or angers people. The only analogy I could use is that everyone has a type of person they have an attraction to. And I am not attracted to an older man who is sixty years old. When I walk down the gay neighborhood or even in the baths, you would not believe the amount of older white men, with very young Asian men. It is astounding. It is like they are joined at the hip. There is a stereotype that Asian men only like older, father figure type men.

Again so many GAM have this obsession that being with a GWM will fill up that empty vacuum of insecurity. But when two-thirds of the gay population rejects an entire race, (that being Asians), many Asian men buy into a stereotype that no one is interested in them, except for an older white man. Since nobody else wants us, we make due with an older white guy. It is better than nothing. There seems to be this obsession with gay Asian men, that any white guy (even if he is age 65) is better than no white guy! There are even some gay Asians I have met, that see hooking up with an older guy as a form of increasing their status within gay Asian circles. What helps to bring these two types of groups together is the fact that a lot of older white men and young Asian men are on the same wavelength in terms of an intellectual and maturity scale. I myself, just refuse to fall into that stereotype. Believe me, I have had my offers from older men. I will save that for a future story.

from the older mans perspective: When a gay man turns 40, they instantly become invisible and worthless in the eyes of the gay community. Because there is such an emphasis on youth, beauty, superficiality, and narcissism among gay men, being 40 is a turn-off in the gay community. The forty something men try and try, but find it impossible to hook up with a guy their own age or younger. Because everybody is chasing after the same thing - a young white guy. These young guys do not give anyone the time of day, unless it is a guy in the same age bracket. Before these forty something men know it, they have just turned fifty. The realization sets in that no one will give them a second look no matter how much in shape they are. The one thing these now older men are missing is youth. So the fifty something men go after the easy pickings - young Asian men. Being with a gay Asian male that is very young, these older men are able to re-capture a bit of their youth. Gay Asians are very youthful looking (sometimes short) no matter what the age. We also have such soft smooth skin that is a delight to touch, like a babys bottom. And finally we have a reputation of being very passive, subservient, and submissive in bed. So these two types of people wind up together. I truly believe if any of these older men who chase after young Asians were to take a pill to turn 21, these men would lose interest in Asians almost immediately. 97% (I did a calculation) of men who signed my Guestbook and said they truly like Asians were all over the age of 38, some even over 60! I have yet to have any white guy in his twenties or thirties (who did not admit to being a "rice queen") disagree with me about their turn-off of Asians.

Now as a gay Asian you may be reading this whole essay and your reaction is, "Get out of here!? But think about it. How come you never get noticed at a bar, supermarket, or bookstore in the gay community by any white guy? Why is it that at the baths, when we Asians enter the whirlpool, sauna, or porn lounge, the white patrons immediately get up and leave. And why is it in any orgy activity scene you may encounter, if you approach any of the white guys going at it, you are pushed away. Sometimes gently, other times forcefully. And do you ever wonder why at the gym all of the white guys are friendly to one another, but never talk to us Asians. This despite the fact everyones Gaydar is working at 100% capacity. Gay Asians are invisible to the gay white community, not intentionally but very sub-conscientiously.

What I think we Asians have to do is not settle for second best. If you are an Asian that is truly attracted to an older man, I say more power to you. But if you are an Asian like me, who is not attracted to an older man do not settle for one if you do not have to! Have friends, hobbies, focus on your career and try to get sex when you can. In terms of a relationship here is my mantra, "if it is meant to be it will come to me." Just be patient and Mr. Right (regardless of age or race) will come. The truth is that white guys see Asians as the bottom of the barrel in terms of the type of guy they want. Being rejected by so many gay men, this can harden you and make you angry and bitter, or you can say, "We do not accept that!" We do not have to be at the mercy of so many of these adolescent, gay white men. We as Asians need to get out of this stereotype of desperately chasing after white guys and have more self-respect for ourselves. There are iron doors that have been in place for hundreds of years, but there are so many new kinds of doors that are flying open. By that, I mean we need to open up our minds to other cultures and races.

Why settle for a white guy? What is wrong with a fellow Asian, or a Black or Hispanic guy? I have taken my own advice and slept with every race at the baths. What I have found is that the person, not the race makes the sex exciting. If we just restrict ourselves to white guys only, we as gay Asians will continue to perpetuate a stereotype and our self-esteem will take a beating. Unfortunately, Asian guys who love Asians/Blacks/Latinos or vice-versa are even more rare. In fact, as I have mentioned earlier, all of those races are chasing after the same thing - a white guy. Hopefully, after reading this essay, a few minds will change. I myself plan on being comfortable alone and wait for the guy of my dreams, regardless of race. It is really my hope that other gay Asians read this and look beyond the race and fall for the person. Do not be a potato queen!