An AOL website claims that most white gay men online don't want to date black men. That's probably true, but I'm not particularly surprised or concerned. I'm more concerned with black gay men who refuse to date other black men.

Is love blind?

A few years ago, I met a very attractive, articulate, professional black man at a gay event. I was so excited to meet him that night that I even added a comment about him during the speech I gave later that evening.

Following the speech, I eagerly approached him at his table. He smiled and we talked for a moment before he politely introduced me to his boyfriend. I was disappointed that he was involved in a relationship, and to be honest, I was even more disappointed that his partner was a very average looking white man.

Despite my disappointment, we exchanged business cards and agreed to stay in touch, which we did. Over the years, my new friend told me about the difficulties of his relationship. His boyfriend apparently had repeatedly cheated on him, which actually surprised me. From my perspective, the boyfriend had the better end of the deal. He had no reason to be cheating on my friend.

For the life of me, I could not understand why my friend was so upset about the end of this relationship. From my narrow perspective, he should have been happy to be free to find a better partner. But love doesn't let go easily. My friend was heartbroken, and I was confused.

I had tried to make my friend into something he wasn't. I had wanted him to date black men like himself, but he seemed uninterested. I had learned something new about interracial dating. Some black gay men simply aren't interested in other black men.

OUTgroups.com Poll: Are you primarily attracted to men of a specific race or ethnicity?

Another friend, a successful black gay professional, often complained to me that he could not find black men of his "caliber." Black gay men, he said, were often uneducated and not as successful as he. After searching for a year or two, he settled down in a relationship with a white man with a blue-collar job. It seems my friend was actually less interested in his partner's caliber than in his race.

Why couldn't he just tell the truth? He did not want to date a black man. He wanted a white man instead. To catch his eye, a black man would have to be twice as gorgeous and twice as successful as an average white man.

A sensitive issue

Although some would prefer to sweep the issue under the rug, interracial dating is still a very controversial subject in the LGBT community. Yet anyone who dares to question almost any form of interracial dating is immediately challenged, criticized and dismissed by the "PC police." Those involved in interracial relationships are often the most sensitive about the issue when questions are raised.

For the record, I think adults should be free to date whoever they want. I have dated a virtual rainbow coalition of men and women in my life, including blacks, whites, Latinos and Asian-Americans. Today I prefer black men, but I would not entirely rule out the possibility of dating someone of a different race or ethnicity than my own.

Interracial dating doesn't bother me. Nor am I bothered by segregated dating, as when whites prefer other whites or blacks prefer other blacks. I think this is a natural extension of our comfort levels with people like ourselves. Nevertheless, such preferences -- particularly when they become absolute exclusions -- could reflect some level of racism. But I'm not convinced that racism is always the issue.

Why do we exclude our own?

What does concern me is when black gay men consciously choose not to date other black men. I can understand when a black man dates outside of his race. I cannot understand when a black man refuses to date within his race. Such exclusion, it seems to me, is rooted in deep self hatred.

A few years ago I met an attractive black gay man in Los Angeles. "I usually don't date black men," he told me, "but I find you intriguing." I guess he thought I should be flattered, but instead I was disturbed. Rather than see me as his equal, he saw me as some sort of scientific oddity.

Of course there are intelligent black gay men out there. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't looked or isn't interested in looking. That's why I get so frustrated when I hear black gay men announce they've "given up on black men" after an unsuccessful relationship. "Black men have too many issues," one told me, as if white gay men have no issues of their own.

All relationships have issues. In fact, interracial relationships must often navigate through difficult questions of racial comfort and sincerity that don't appear in most same-race relationships. In interracial dating, we often find ourselves asking, "Does this person see beyond my race or will he show his true colors when the chips are down?"

Whatever issues white gay men face, self hatred is not one of them when it comes to their racial identity. That's why I'm more concerned about black men excluding other blacks than I am about white men excluding other whites from their respective dating pools.

In a culture that devalues black males and elevates white males, it seems less likely that white male racial self-exclusion is rooted in self hatred than it would be with black males. After all, white men have no reason to hate themselves in a society that reinforces their privilege. Black men, on the other hand, are repeatedly assaulted by messages that communicate our alleged inferiority.

Let's face it -- racism is still a problem in the LGBT community. So why should I chase somebody who doesn't want me? I have no interest in spending my time trying to get a prejudiced white man to look at me in a white gay bar or to talk to me in an Internet chat room. I'd rather spend my time talking to that cute, intelligent black man who the white man is ignoring.

© Copyright 2002 by Keith Boykin.