Many gay men go into therapy to work through their problems. Sometimes they go into therapy and end up writing a book. This of course, is a tragic mistake. If you need evidence of this fact pick up the new book 'Moving On' by Dan Hazel. I recently had a chance to talk with Dan and discuss what I liked and didn't like about his book. Dan wrote 'Moving On' shortly after breaking up with his boyfriend, and it shows.

It's not secret that gay men's relationships haven't been supported and valued in society the same way married couples have been. So a gay men's guide to breaking up looks like a good idea on the surface. Dan highlights some of the differences in gay breakups:

"The most obvious difference, I think, occurs in the absence of laws to protect a couple from each other--and sometimes, from themselves. Heterosexual couples have the advantage of arbitration from the courts, but often, unless the gay couple has been very shrewd (and, some would say, cynical) in establishing documented and legally-binding ownership, then the men involved often find themselves totally reliant on one another's good will--a quality, unfortunately, that sometimes does not exist when a relationship has "gone bad."

Also according to Dan "even more significantly, break-ups often are rougher on gay and lesbian couples precisely because of society's lack of respect for and acknowledgement of those relationships. Here's the thinking I've found, both from my own former relationship and from some of the men I interviewed: We feel pretty damn good establishing this beautiful, what-we-hope-to-be long-term relationship despite the fact that we hear over and over that such a relationship can't possibly work. Then, when that relationship indeed *doesn't* work, that couple's sense of failure and loss of dignity becomes even more amplified. It's an unfortunate--and totally inaccurate--sensation, because I think that gay men have a tremendous ability for commitment."

But Dan doesn't seem to quite grasp the fact that many out, proud gay men (and I say gay men exclusively because the book only deals with gay men), live their lives without feeling the need to prove *anything* to straight people, especially when it comes to our sex lives. Dan's fixation with the heterosexual monogamous relationship model may indeed cause him to feel like a failure. I can't help but think that for some gay men however, the failure lies not with the guys, but with the model they are using. Maybe not all of us are cut out for lifelong monogamous relationships. Given that more then half of marriages end in divorce, it doesn't even seem to be a one-size-fits-all solution for straight people, let alone gay men.

Dan interviewed many gay x-couples for this book. Virtually all of these gay couples agreed upon a monogamous long term relationship, and then ended breaking up most often with 'another man' being the determining factor. At least that's the way it came across in the book. Dan disputed this however:

"Actually, there were a number of men in the book who experimented with relationships other than those based on the heterosexual model. Of course--and this will strengthen your argument, I'm afraid--"promiscuity," a "threesome," or other "agreements" tended to frustrate these men (and I have to include myself in this category) because their view of themselves ordained a "picket-fence" type of monogamous relationship."

More than just 'frustrating', Dan goes so far as to pull a line out of the religious right's playbook, referring to sex outside of monogamy as "psychologically damaging". I can't help but cringe as I hear these words. It is the exact same language used in the abstinence-until-marriage component of welfare reform legislation, which prohibits discussion of condoms, and contraceptives in our schools and instead requires a 'just say no' sex-ed policy. It is an assertion often made by Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, to justify keeping teens ignorant to the realities of HIV, because 'they really shouldn't be having sex in the first place'.

But most importantly, it's an assertion that simply isn't true. There is no evidence that casual sex between mature, consenting adults is 'psychologically damaging'. Dan's position is not supported by the American Psychological Association, neither is it supported in any academic research.When I ask Dan about this, he takes a step back from the position stated in the book:

"I am in no way making an attempt to refute the APA's view. But I doubt that any therapist or counselor would go so far as to say *all* promiscuous behavior is totally harmless. And it certainly was not for many of the men in the book."

Again, Dan's use of the pejorative 'promiscuous' powerfully underscore his perspective. Again, Dan echoes the rhetoric of the religious right. In Dan's model, promiscuous sex is something to be feared. Sex outside of marriage, like any kind of sex, does involve some risk, but it can also be fun, fulfilling, and a great part of the human experience. To quote an expert on the topic, "Sex is natural. Sex is good." (you know the rest).

As a gay man who wasted too much time feeling guilty about my sexuality, I have little interest in Dan's sex-negative attitudes, which quite frankly, makes this book hard to swallow.

If you're looking for a book that's not trying to be quite so straight, but still talks about relationships between gay men, I suggest Uncharted Lives: Understanding the Life Passages of Gay Men by Stanley Siegel and Ed Lowe, Jr. This frank discussion of gay men's relationships (both monogamous as well as other models) is a refreshing and honest look at how gay men seek love and intimacy. You might also want to check out Coming out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives , by Lev Raphael and Gershen Kaufman.

Dan is now living with his new partner Josh. I wish them the best of luck.

Dann Hazel, 48, taught high school English and journalism in South Carolina's public schools for 13 years. For almost six years, he worked as a counselor in a psychiatric hospital. For six years, he has been a grant administrator for a local community college. Hazel received his Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Newberry College and his Master of Psychology degree from The Citadel.

All along, he has been writing short stories, articles, columns and books. For two years, he also served on the board of directors for WeAreFamily, an organization in Charleston, SC, whose purpose is to provide support for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and question youth.

Among his books are Moving On: The Gay Man's Guide for Coping When a Relationship Ends (1999), Witness: Gay and Lesbian Clergy Report from the Front (1999), and Two Paths to Now (1997). The Transition of Sinful Sadie, a novel about a male-to-female transsexual's relationship with a gay minister, was released in January 2002. Most recently, A Walt Disney World Resort Outing: The Only Vacation Planning Guide Exclusively for Gay and Lesbian Travelers was released from Writers Club Press (March 2002). Dann and his partner, Josh Fippen, live in the Charleston, SC, area.